I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
