I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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