Already got asked if we're dating
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
