It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
