After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
