i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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