I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
