Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
