Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
