at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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