Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
