remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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