things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
