Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
