she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
