Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
