I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
