I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
