So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
