new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
