I am puke
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
