She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
