Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
