when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
