Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
