You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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