4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
