i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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