i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
