goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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