WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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