I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
try to milk me bitch
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