i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
