we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
