Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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