You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
