you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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