Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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