Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
