I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
