i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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