I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
