I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
