My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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