and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
God, I missed his penis.
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