What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
