put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
ugly people sure do ruin things
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
