Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
