I cockslap morals
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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