One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
