Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
