is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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